I Don’t Trust You

This post was a brainstorming idea that I stole from Heath Phillips. It took on a life of its own, so I thought I’d share.

I don’t trust you if you


Listen to “Good Vibrations” by Marky Mark and you don’t immediately start working out.

Hear “din, din, din, din, din, din, din” and your first thought is of Queen, instead of Vanilla Ice.

Don’t like Christmas music. All Christmas music. Crooner Christmas music preferred.

Can’t sing at least one verse to Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire.”

Don’t like at least one Journey song.


Can’t quote “Seinfeld”.

Didn’t see the last three Batman films in the theatre. I went on a “Man-Date” for The Dark Knight and endured teenagers to ensure that I completed the trifecta.

Think “Breaking Bad” is just okay. Seriously, punch yourself in the head in the hopes of jarring some awesome loose.

Are a male, that watches “House Hunters” and states publicly that you like it. We are required by law to endure this show because our significant other likes it. You can like it, but keep it a secret like I do. Wait, what did I just–.

Don’t know if the Dolorean is nuclear or electrical. If you happen to guess right, then I will ask what jigawatt level is needed. Wrong answer=not trustworthy.

Didn’t use the flying crane as your go to move in elementary school fights. You definitely would not be considered “The Best Around”.

Didn’t start jumping rope during a Rocky training sequence. Also, if you think Rocky IV didn’t play a role in ending the Cold War, then you are not trustworthy.

Aren’t inspired by something Kenny Powers said.


Are an able bodied male and cannot bench press 135 lbs.

Think running is fun. Running is not fun and if you think it is, please run somewhere far away from me.

Think Olympic lifting is crossfit. Olympians cannot forge elite fitness like you, crossfit bros. Crossfit bros, send your hate mail to idontgiveaneff@peleoisthewaytogo.com.

Use the phrase, “I’m not trying get big, I just wanna get toned”. If that’s your goal, then go grab the pink and purple weights pansy.


Have never stuck your hand in poo. Bonus trust points if you went about what you were doing and forgot about your pooey hand.

Never uttered “No donuts until you finish your Lucky Charms.” Breakfast is super important in the Crutchfield house.

Are unable to name all of the Imagination Movers. This is canceled out if you can sing a Wiggles tune.

Can’t use your shirt as a Kleenex during cold and flu season.

See dinner out as a good time and not the eternal struggle of wills that it truly is.


Never eaten the hottest wing at wing establishment.

Don’t understand the awesomeness of a Guinness. Although an Irish brew, you probably hate America if you don’t like it. It’s swell.

Wear jorts in a non-ironic way.

Describe a Zune as “just like an iPod only better”.

As you can see, there are many of you that cannot be trusted. I would advise you to print this out and let it serve as a guide for all of your New Year’s resolutions.


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